The Evil Sins of the Monstrous Colonies
by Demon-Something
Summary: After a horrible first contact, solely good and solely evil come to a one-sided fight amongst the stars.../ A satire of Zealot!Colonies crossover fics.


**Generally, I'd had enough of those bad crossovers that involve the Colonies invading Earth. So I wrote this, albeit with a generalized Earth side due to my lack of Stargate and Halo knowledge. Any mistakes are intentional, and I do not own any part of BSG.**

Admiral Cain woke up feeling… very spiritual today. In fact, she'd say she was practically a zealot. Pegasus was leaving for a mission beyond the Red Line, even though for no reasons she could think of besides looking for Cylons. She went to Pegasus, where a file sat on her desk in her quarters. She opened it, and only one sheet came out.

Adm. Cain,

Cruise in Cylon territory for no reason. Galactica, Zeus, Athena, Hera, Aphrodite, Bacchus, Hephaestus, Ares, Hestia, Poseidon, Apollo, and Artemis will join you. The reasonless cruise will last for however long the plot needs.

Adm. Corman

Cain set the sheet down, walked to the CIC and launched the ship.

Four days into the reasonless cruise, all the Battlestars, plus a MedStar, one CruiserStar, two DestroyStars, and two FrigStars, plus a few MineStars and an AgroStar to keep the very large fleet running smoothly, drifted silently through space. In the CIC, Cain stood guard watching out of the view-screens. There were no Cylon baseships in sight, which greatly disappointed Cain. She had serious avenging to do. Suddenly, a message from the Hestia came in. Cain pressed a button, and the message blared across the Pegasus.

"There's an unknown contact on radar," some guy said frantically.

Cain looked down at her radar screen. Sure enough, a red blip was at the edge of the screen.

"Well, it doesn't match a baseship, to my regret, and it's not Colonial, which means it has to be aliens. Fire at will.

"With all due respect Admiral Cain, firing at random things tends to start wars. It's how Picon and Canceron started the Twentieth Colonial Conflict, and…" the voice from the Hestia said.

"Oh please," Cain retorted, "These aliens most certainly don't follow out customs, and most importantly, our religion. This means that they must be persuaded to do so, and this is the first step. Does anyone agree with me?"

At that time, all of the crew of the ships started chanting, "So say we all" many, many, times in a row for over five minutes. Meanwhile on the USS Awesome Starship, Commander McAwesome was impatient.

"Are they going to come over here for first contact or are they just going to fight? Those are the only choices here; stories never give a third option. His Awesomely Hot AI Assistant appeared and said,

"It seems as if all of the ships are chanting some quaint little war call. Pretty soon they should be… Oh look, they're firing _missiles_. How adorably quaint."

"Yes Awesomely Hot AI Assistant, how quaint."

They stood there and waited for the missiles to hit the energy shields.

"Hey," Colonel Belzen said on the Pegasus, "The missiles did nothing!"

"Then fire bigger missiles, the batteries, and I've authorized nukes. Tell that to the rest of the fleet," Cain responded calmly.

"Okay," Belzen said skeptically, "But how do you think this will work?"

"I don't know, but I can't let my sudden plan fall apart now, can I?"

Back on the USS Awesome Starship, Commander McAwesome said, "Fire the Awesome Plasma Rail Gun at that fleet."

"Yes sir," the Awesome Yet Ignored Lieutenant said. At the front of the ship, two panels retracted to expose to what looked kind of like a cattle prod, only more awesome. The Awesome Plasma Rail Gun slowly charged, and blue lightning dramatically crackled across it. At the same time, the Fleet was panicking, wondering what kind of death ray was going to come out of the front of the ship. A few nukes were fired, but it was to no avail, and the Awesome Plasma Rail Gun fired. A second later, the Bacchus exploded in a quick, deadly red and black cloud, with one of the flight pods getting launched into the rear of the Hestia, crippling it.

"What was that?"" Cain demanded.

"Uh, it was like, a death ray or something. Duh," Gina replied.

"Of course it's a death ray. It came from an unknown contact that we randomly fired at," Kendra retorted, "Now we've ticked off the aliens. Also, I can't believe we have this much time to talk while being assaulted."

Those in Pegasus' CIC stood there for a few seconds, and then were blown to the floor by a massive jolt.

"Wow, those Awesome Fusion Batteries usually don't usually do much. These Colonials must be pathetic, huh," the Pretty Awesome Radar Operator said.

Another volley of the Awesome Fusion Batteries destroyed the MineStars and the AgroStar. The Awesome Plasma Rail Gun fired again, destroying the Athena, flight pods separating and flying out into space spewing Vipers and Raptors. The USS Awesome Starship turned as Colonial missiles and nukes impacted the shields almost pointlessly.

"Shields at 96 percent Commander," Pretty Awesome Bridge Bunny said.

"Good. Destroy the rest of the hostile fleet," the Commander replied.

The Awesome Yet Practical Nukes were brought out, and two hit the Aphrodite, creating a mushroom cloud, and projecting pieces of it out into the remainder of the fleet. By now, the first few Vipers were launching off the remaining battlestars. However, since there were no Awesome Space Fighters yet and they couldn't do anything about the USS Awesome Starship, they were reduced to flying around in circles.

"There appear to be fighter aircraft launched from the battlestars," Awesomely Hot AI Assistant said.

"I'll send the orders to launch the Awesome Space Fighters sir," The Awesome Communications officer said. From tubes towards the rear, sleek, jet black fighters were spat out of the starship, and moved with impossible speed and maneuverability towards the Vipers. Vipers immediately started to be lost via awesome laser weaponry as another big awesome laser fired at the Poseidon, forming a big hole down the center through the reactor core of the battlestar, triggering a massive explosion at the engines. This explosion vaporized the rear end and caused the front to drift serenely among the stars venting atmosphere at an alarming rate. All of the ships (excluding the MedStar) continued to fire at no avail.

In Pegasus' CIC, nervousness and hopelessness prevailed, except Gina, who still thought that they could destroy the shield. A transmission came from the CruiserStar.

"We're out of ammo, so we're ramming in the hopes our Captain will get a bronze statue of him when we win," the Communications Officer of the CruiserStar said.

Cain stood speechless as the ship accelerated towards the USS Awesome Starship.

"Captain, one of the Colonial secondary ships is headed towards us. I think they're going to ram!" the terrified Pretty Awesome Radar Operator said.

"Fire anything that'll destroy it at it." Commander McAwesome said calmly.

The Awesome Plasma Rail Gun fired again, and the CruiserStar exploded in a blinding flash of light.

"Threat destroyed," The Awesomely Hot AI Assistant said redundantly.

Awesome Yet Practical nukes took care of the Frig Stars, and Hestia was still leaking atmosphere while trying to get their FTL back on-line.

"This battle is beginning to get longwinded," Commander McAwesome said, "Fire all the weapons at once and see what happens,"

"Yes sir," the Awesomely Hot AI Assistant said. The lasers, Fusion Batteries, nukes, and the rail gun all began to charge.

On the Galactica, Commander Adama had accepted defeat.

"We can't do anything and they going to fire all their weapons. Gaeta, jump us back to the Colonies, and collect our remaining Vipers."

"Agreed, we're retreating. Do we all agree," Colonel Tigh asked.

The entire CIC promptly burst into a rousing cheer of "So say we all."

"Jumping now," Gaeta said. Galactica's Vipers quickly came, and the Galactica jumped, leaving the fleet in a flash of light.

"Adama like, jumped out of here. I think we should like, do the same and junk," Gina said.

"Seconded," Fisk said.

"I agree," Kendra said.

"Then fine, we'll retreat. But we'll get the upper hand. We have to, FOR THE GODS!"

"Um, when did you like, say that?" Gina asked.

"Just now," Cain replied. The Pegasus jumped away in a bigger, more blinding flash of light.

"Two ships left the battlefield," the Pretty Awesome Radar Operator said.

"We'll get them later. Fire the weapons!"

Nukes, lasers, bolts of plasma, and death rays shot out of the USS Awesome Starship, and into the fleet. The MedStar received a laser and almost instantly imploded. Hestia finally ended its misery as a nuke struck under the left flight pod, vaporizing the central third of the ship, leaving the mangled remains of the engines and the front drift in space. Heavy volleys of the Fusion Batteries destroyed the DestroyStars, and similar methods destroyed everything else, plus all of the Vipers.

"Well, we've won," Commander McAwesome said, "What's our damage report?"

"Various Colonial weapons left out shields down at 88 percent. Otherwise, the ship's intact Commander," Awesomely Hot AI Assistant said.

"Good, we'll call the rest of the Awesome Battlegroup, and finish our exploration mission with quite the bang."

Meanwhile, the President herself, Laura Roslin, was debriefing Adama and Cain.

"So what you're saying is, a mysterious Awesome Starship came and destroyed your fleet in four minutes? This isn't acceptable; our holy crusade must succeed!" Roslin said dramatically.

"Weren't you Secretary of Education when I left? And when did we become crusading zealots?" Adama asked.

"Silence," Roslin said, "I adopted this strategy… sometime around now, I've seen the light."

"Through chamalla and the author's stupidity," Adama mumbled.

Roslin scoffed and turned to Cain.

"So, Admiral, do you have anything to say about this?"

"I'm sorry President ma'am," Cain said, "The fleet will be avenged. I will accept death before defeat."

"Good. That mindset leads to holy crusade success," Roslin said confidently.

Adama was bewildered, and definitely thought something bizarre had happened to at least Caprica.

The Awesome Battlegroup had been assembled, and the retaliation on the Colonies was about to begin.

"Awesomely Hot AI Assistant, please intercept all forms of Colonial communication. We have some zealots to scare," Commander McAwesome said.

"On it sir," Awesomely Hot AI Assistant said.

Meanwhile, on Caprica and… those other Colonies, TV signals went blank, video games were interrupted, phones rang, and speakers crackled to life, even though about none of this was connected.

"Preparing the external-communication function Commander," the Awesome Yet Ignored Lieutenant said. Commander McAwesome walked over to a screen and started speaking. His voice projected across televisions, speakers, phones, and the such as.

"Attention denizens of these 12 Colonies of Cola…"

"Kobol," Awesomely Hot AI Assistant corrected.

"Kobol, Commander McAwesome continued, "We're from Earth, and as the survivors of a battle of out clear victory can attest, we're very awesome; just like the Tau'ri, the UNSC, or Stargate Command."

"What is he talking about?" a random guy on Caprica said.

"I don't know, it kind of seems like he's referencing someone else," another person said.

"Seems like that to me. Hey, you wanna go pray? I heard there are like, fifty revivals going on tonight."

"Sure thing."

Back in space, battlestars were firing at the Awesome Battlegroup, to unsurprisingly, no avail. At the same time, the Awesome Battlegroup was firing back, and explosions prevailed, all among Battlestars and civilian craft unfortunately in the vicinity of the Battlegroup's Awesome Mass Weapon Firing that no one seemed to notice.

"Madam President, we're getting our butts whooped," Billy, now her Chief of Staff said bluntly.

"No Billy, I'd say we're doing okay," Roslin replied casually. At the same time, a downed Viper dove onto the lawn of the Glorious President's Immaculate Mansion. It exploded, shattering the windows. Roslin brushed aside the broken glass.

"Before you say anything, this means nothing."

"Yes Ma'am."

Then, the wreckage of a Battlestar cast a shadow over Caprica City, and crashed off the coast.

"Ma'am, can we at least go the Secret Bunker?"

"Fine. But only because it's got a great chapel with mood lighting."

Meanwhile, in deep space, all of the Cylon models met in the Head Baseship**.**

"Let's get this over with so I can destroy the Colonies," Cavil whined.

The Six representing sighed, and began to speak.

"Okay, so our agent on the Galactica just gave us like, this memo, which reads, 'OMG like aliens are like, blowing us up. TTYL, must save makeup and cute ECO. Xoxo X), Boomer.' Any like, comments?"

"We have to ensure that Galactica remains safe, so I can fufill my destiny with Kara Thrace!"

"Okay, that totally like doesn't sound creepy," Three said dryly.

"Well, my sleeper isn't a tabloid reporter!"

Three bit her lip as One piped up, "Wait, can't we ally ourselves with them! They could be human!"

"Uh, not possible much?" Eight "questioned," "There is like, no way they could be human."

A Centurion entered, and gave Six another slip of paper.

"Okay, it seems that our BFF Boomer sent us another memo. 'Help, Galactica's been like, hacked. Aliens from Earth did it. Have like, saved makeup, ECO, and that annoying deckhand who found out. Must go, deckhand girl is like, pointing a gun at me, the loser. Xoxo X), Boomer.

"Or they could just be human," Four said sardonically.

"Well, like, Earth's some myth and stuff, right?" Eight defended.

The two were just about to start an argument when One cleared his voice loudly.

"Well, since they are fighting the stupid-yet-more-like-us-than-I'm-willing-to-admit Colonials, we need to ally with them, to end the scourge of humanity!"

"So like, allying with humans will get rid of them? Great plans!" Six said enthusiastically and not ironically. The others agreed.

"So it is settled then, we'll send a delegation, namely, me," One concluded.

"But I'm like, prettier!" Six said.

"I'm smarter!" protested Four

"Fine, we'll all go!"

Three spoke up, "Wait, these plans don't make any sense!"

"Well, what do you expect from me?" Cavil asked, "I'm an old guy with a mind of a deranged six year old, and you all listen to me."

Six gasped. Five got angry and stopped carrying all of Cavil's various baubles. The other Cylons did similar things. Cavil found himself surrounded by a mob of his fellow Cylons. Just before temporary death could reach him, he cried out,

"The Colonials altered your brains somehow!"

The better-than-human Cylons stopped, looked up at Cavil, and murmured amongst themselves.

"Wait, he has to be right. Humans are bad," Two said.

"Like, yeah!" Six agreed.

Cavil smiled, being the only Cylon with the brain capacity larger than a sheep had its benefits.

Cain had somehow gathered a fleet in the middle of the crisis over Caprica, and managed to get to Earth in a timely fashion.

"Okay, so like, are we negotiating or something?" Gina asked.

"Of course not. They've already started hostilities, so we need nuking major cities of course," Cain answered.

Kendra was flipping through a very large book, "Um, Admiral that never was military protocol. Not for the Twelve Colonies and not for any individual colonies back in the day… except for Gemenon."

"Oh, we're in different, more drastic times my dear Kendra," Cain replied, "They destroyed our fleet, so we destroy them. Remember, we have to have no redeeming features here."

Kendra gulped, "I'll go start making sure I had nothing to do with this."

Gina started tracking the lights on the darkened America, "From the data we've collected almost instantly, it seems like this city is like, right next to a really big military base. Since the military is the real power, I assume it should be huge and junk."

"Meh, fine. Take it out."

The port side nuke panel opened, and a nuke fired, striking the booming metropolis of Fayetteville, North Carolina.

In Washington, the Awesome President met with the Awesome General.

"Mr. President, these 'Colonials' have destroyed a city, so does mean we can fire our entire nuclear arsenal at them?"

The President thought over what to do in this alien crisis. Humanity had absolutely no idea to the Awesomeness they possessed (Cause' y'know, the mere peasantry shouldn't care about such things and what it could entail…) and would probably start some kind of conflict over alien tech, even though most of the developed countries got along for the most part. He pondered for a few more seconds, then said, "Okay."

The General's eye twitched happily, "Yay, boom clouds! In space!"

The President stared at him.

"Please be dismissed General."

Back in the Pegasus, Cain had ordered a dual strike on Ciudad Juarez and Winnipeg, when Gina said, "Oh. My. God. Look what's coming our way!

Everyone looked out at the viewscreen. Cain gasped, Fisk screamed like a little girl, and Kendra started reciting Hail Heras to herself as thousands of nukes launched from Earth. Down below, everyone had already set up lawn chairs and popcorn outside as they watched dozens of battlestars explode, then have the explosions explode. Then they wondered why their lights weren't going off.

Then, somehow, in the middle of the space carnage… stood the Pegasus.

"Wait, like, how are we like, alive and… like?" said a very confused Gina.

"I don't know and I don't care!" said a very disheveled Kendra, "By the way, I'm defecting now," Kendra left the bridge breathing irregularly, and a minute later, a Raptor flew past the viewscreen.

"So Admiral, what like, happens now?" Gina asked.

"We…we…I don't really know. I think virtually all of the fleet is gone… except the Galactica, we can still… no, we can't do that," Cain kept pondering aloud for a few minutes, then got an answer, "I have it! We continue attacking!"

The entire Battlestar burst into "So say we all," yet again.

Gina began to program coordinates to nuke, then suddenly, three Awesome Starships surrounded the Pegasus using the Kara Poof Maneuver.

"Uh, can we surrender now?" Fisk asked.

"Surrender or we will fire without mercy," the benevolent Second Commander Awesome said.

"Fine, we'll surrender," Cain said into the inter-ship speaker, "BUT THE GODS WILL HAVE THEIR REVENGE!"

"Um, we'll go with that," replied the Earth ship.

Over Caprica, the resistance had been futile. At least half the Colonial Fleet was long gone, the flagship of the Fleet was destroyed, and one of the smaller battlestars had mysteriously been absent from the battle. The Awesome Fleet kept firing, and occasionally an Awesome Supply Ship would come, restock the Awesome Battlegroup, and take out a few Vipers with its Awesome Defense Weaponry. As more battlestars, frigstars, cruiserstars, Vipers, and other support ships were destroyed, a lone ship suddenly appeared.

"This is the battlestar Galactica," Adama transmitted, "Stop the fighting!"

"Is this a surrender?" Commander McAwesome asked?

"Yes, we sent in a marine team, deposed the President, and dropped her at a nice therapist's office. Now can we be subjugated already so that there can be the gratuitous Kara/Lee scene for the fangirls already?"

"Works for me," Commander McAwesome said.

In the Awesome President's office in Washington, the Awesome General came in.

"Mr. President, the Space Headquarters where Awesome happens gave us this memo that a coup happened and the Colonials have surrendered! We've just revised our foreign policy to allow us to own the Colonies for the indeterminate future!

"Great," the Awesome President said, "But won't we need a governor or something?"

"Yes."

"Get on that while you stabilize the place."

**Three months later…**

"Well, at least there isn't martial law," Lee said. He and Kara were seated in a park bench in Caprica City, listening to the Puppet President rally. Admiral Adama had run, with Kendra as his running mate under the newly formed Sanity Party. The opposition was weak to say the least. The mayor of some weirdly named small town on Aerilon, and Roslin's old secretary was running with Roslin's much more competent, but rather young Chief of Staff. No Quorum members ran, as it never seemed to have existed. Cain and Roslin were both incarcerated for no-one-knew how long, and the Colonials, who seemed to have this leader-worship thing going on, had adored the Awesome Earth people who had come recently.

"And those weird Cylon rumors turned out to be false," Kara said, "But I actually kind of wanted to see if they still exist, you know?"

"Yeah," Lee agreed. A moment of silence passed.

"Sappy kiss time?" Lee asked.

"Most likely," Kara replied. The two shared a sappy kiss. When it was over, an odd sight filled the sky.

"Um, what's that Y-thing?" Lee asked.

Kara looked overjoyed, "Hey, now I do get to fight the Cylons! With Awesome Earth Technology!"

"Take my misplaced wrath at the Final Five, Colonials and Earthlings!" Cavil said through a very large speaker on the baseship.

**And so it ends. If any of you thought there were things that needed work, things I really screwed up, or just have a question about the story, message or review me and I'll do my best. Thanks for reading.**


End file.
